I'm a big liar

Why I’ll say myself is a big liar?
The one that I lie to is my mum.
First of all, from the day I want to leave m’sia and go to SG for my future and freedom, I started this lie.
She will only agree with me if I change myself.
Means from being boyish to girlish.
I’ve no idea but to promise her everything that she said.
Becoz I really want to escape from house so that I really can have my own life.
I promise her that I’ll change myself when I’m out to SG.
But in the real fact,
I’m not changing at all.
Coz of I’m in SG now,I can wear whatever I want to.
And I can buy whatever boys’ stuffs I want without worrying anything.
I get everything that I want here.
And the everything is all boys’ stuffs.
Everytime when she text me or phoned me.
She’ll ask me the same question.
‘Have you started to change yourself and how much have you change?’
I’ll answer nothing and I’ll change to another topic.
I feel bad, I really feel bad.
I dunno what I should do when the day when I really go back to m’sia.
During CNY, I hope to go home very much.
But once I think of her, I just consider whether I should go back or not.
I hope to tell her always that actually I’m not going to change myself.
Of course I understand how she feels and what is she thinking all the time.
In her situation, I know how disappointed is she and how sad she feels all the time.
But I can do nothing, and what I hope the most all the time is she can accept me.
I’m not requesting much.
What I hope is just she’ll stop forcing me to change myself.
I know if I change she’ll be very happy.
Cause she face her friends and relatives happily instead of always discussing me with them.
But when she’s happy, how bout me?
Why must I change to let her happy but I’m not me anymore?
No point living like that!
I just hope my family can accept me as a NORMAL human being.
I know I dun have what boys have although I’m acting like a boy.
But did I do anything wrong being like that?
I’m not a convict.
I didn’t do anything that is illegal.
I didn’t hurt anyone too.
I just want to be what I am.
Is this my fault?
Izit my fault of not keeping my hair long?
Izit my fault of not wearing skirts?
I’m not affected by someone of being like this.
I didn’t mention that I won’t be with a guy.
And I didn’t mention that I won’t be like a normal girl in the future.
But why can’t you guys just let me enjoy my life for this moment?
I want to be in a world and country that can accept me!
But not forcing me and misunderstanding me all the time!
You guys never try to understands and cares what we actually want but just keep on blaming us behind!

心得

无论在社会，学校，工作上，
有些人，你会看得顺眼，
有些人，你会看得不顺眼。
有些人讲的话，你听得进耳，
有些人讲的话，你怎样都听不进去。
到处都会是流言蜚语，
走到哪儿都会是个是非地。
你干涉与否结果都会是一样！
有些人喜欢向你示威，
有些人喜欢向你暗示。
这一切一切都会让你的心感觉得不舒服。
可是又能如何呢？
他们有的是权力。
有时你会赞同，有时非赞同不可。
你不能发表一切！
为保自己，只好投靠。
要服从命令，要听从教训，才能讨好他人。
发表意见，只会让人看你不顺眼，惹祸上身。
所以要永远地谦虚。
这样好吗？
为什么有人会说：‘不要埋没自己的才华！’
这句话是有道理，可是道理何在？
展现才华是祸，
埋没才华是福。
这才是真真的道理不是吗？
在社会上，竞争是必然的。
可是有哪个上司是真的会欣赏真真有才华的人的呢？
有哪个上司是真的会‘轮功行赏’的？
有公平和不公平的争论吗？
没有！根本没有！
权利在手，就不轮到你说是还是不是！
这社会上根本就没有公平这两个字！
我讨厌！！