I'm a big liar

Why I’ll say myself is a big liar?
The one that I lie to is my mum.
First of all, from the day I want to leave m’sia and go to SG for my future and freedom, I started this lie.
She will only agree with me if I change myself.
Means from being boyish to girlish.
I’ve no idea but to promise her everything that she said.
Becoz I really want to escape from house so that I really can have my own life.
I promise her that I’ll change myself when I’m out to SG.
But in the real fact,
I’m not changing at all.
Coz of I’m in SG now,I can wear whatever I want to.
And I can buy whatever boys’ stuffs I want without worrying anything.
I get everything that I want here.
And the everything is all boys’ stuffs.
Everytime when she text me or phoned me.
She’ll ask me the same question.
‘Have you started to change yourself and how much have you change?’
I’ll answer nothing and I’ll change to another topic.
I feel bad, I really feel bad.
I dunno what I should do when the day when I really go back to m’sia.
During CNY, I hope to go home very much.
But once I think of her, I just consider whether I should go back or not.
I hope to tell her always that actually I’m not going to change myself.
Of course I understand how she feels and what is she thinking all the time.
In her situation, I know how disappointed is she and how sad she feels all the time.
But I can do nothing, and what I hope the most all the time is she can accept me.
I’m not requesting much.
What I hope is just she’ll stop forcing me to change myself.
I know if I change she’ll be very happy.
Cause she face her friends and relatives happily instead of always discussing me with them.
But when she’s happy, how bout me?
Why must I change to let her happy but I’m not me anymore?
No point living like that!
I just hope my family can accept me as a NORMAL human being.
I know I dun have what boys have although I’m acting like a boy.
But did I do anything wrong being like that?
I’m not a convict.
I didn’t do anything that is illegal.
I didn’t hurt anyone too.
I just want to be what I am.
Is this my fault?
Izit my fault of not keeping my hair long?
Izit my fault of not wearing skirts?
I’m not affected by someone of being like this.
I didn’t mention that I won’t be with a guy.
And I didn’t mention that I won’t be like a normal girl in the future.
But why can’t you guys just let me enjoy my life for this moment?
I want to be in a world and country that can accept me!
But not forcing me and misunderstanding me all the time!
You guys never try to understands and cares what we actually want but just keep on blaming us behind!